Where Does Existence Lie?
by frozenwords
Summary: In this time, in this world, Shinji continues to question himself, his life, and his purpose and his answers may finally be found within two red eyes with the smallest hint of concern in them.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: First attempt at Evangelion writing, though I've logged in plenty of words in another genre under a different name. Hope this is the start of a longer story with most my writing achieving at least 40,000 words so guess just have to see where it takes me...possibly nowhere beyond this point. Who knows...I'm sure this chapter puts forth my intentions for this story pretty well...just a start...of something...

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or anything related to it in any way, shape, or form in this existence and probably any other existence...I have pretty shitty luck

Where Does Existence Lie?

Chapter 1

By: Frozenwords

Validating one's existence...really, should it be this difficult, but then I realize my life is just one big, cosmic joke that's never been all that funny, especially to me. I think, therefore I am...shouldn't that sum it all up. I have thoughts and I have feelings so I am real...aren't I? It shouldn't be this difficult...I shouldn't have to question my own existence, but then again, I doubt I am the only one who is plagued by such questions...especially in this world.

I pilot the Evangelion because it gives me purpose...because it helps define me as more than just a scared, nervous little coward who can't even stand up to a overbearing red-head. Being a pilot is my purpose as well as my prison, but I find this cage is the first place in a very long time I don't want to escape from. Evangelion has given me a purpose, but when I truly open my eyes, when I look past my Father, the Angels, and the pain, I see it has given me so much more.

Misato...she is my guardian, my friend...a mother? I chuckle quietly to myself as I think about that one. I think I'm more parent to her than she ever will be to me. However, she has given me a home, she has given me comfort, and she has given me someone who I will fight for because she could have easily done nothing for me but chose to do so much more. I am not stupid enough to believe that Misato is simply benevolent, to think she is just who she is. Like all of us in this twisted story, pain and tragedy sculpts her essence and I know part of her took me in out of pity and duty. I know this...but...but I also know in hidden in her straight forward simplicity is a far more complex being than most probably outside of Kaji can ever imagine...and I know within that web a part of her loves me and will die for me and I hope I can stay a deserving person for that type of response...who am I kidding, I'll screw this up like I do everything else.

Asuka...she is my fellow pilot, my friend...a sister? Again I can't help but laugh as I think of the fiery redhead. A friend? Yes I do believe she is because I know just like Misato so much lies underneath the surface of her brevity and assertiveness, that within the core of Asuka is a scared, lonely little girl who like me, seeks acceptance and purpose from a world that only wants to use us for its own scope. She claims she hates me but she doesn't. She says I'm an idiot but I've seen out of the corner of my eye her listening contently to me playing the cello even though I am no good. I'm not good at anything am I? Piloting the EVA...I'm good at that I think.

Asuka puts up the brave and dominating front because she needs to be seen, needs to be noticed by those around her because no one noticed her as a child...no one would notice her if she didn't pilot. I know that feelings so very well, and maybe it's a testament to the strangeness of humanity that me and her could be so different despite our lives being rooted in exactly the same spot with such a similar beginning. I chose to sink into the shadows alone while she screams in the light with everyone around her. Asuka is my friend though it would take the Apocalypse for her to admit that...at least she stopped calling me a twisted pervert...I can live with that.

Asuka is my friend despite her claims and her abuse and I know my presence helps her, that I give her something solid and clear in her life despite me being soft, bending, and opaque...I am on the outskirts of a family for her and maybe I can give her something other than EVA to grasp on to...before its too late. I want to help Asuka...I think I want to help everyone, or maybe I just want to validate my existence with something that is not as painful as EVA...questions without answers...this is the time we live in.

In another life I could see me and Asuka as brother and sister, in another life I could see Asuka and I as lovers...I can't help but blush at the comment despite the thought remaining in my head where no one could ever hear it. In another life...always in another life you can see any possibilities but I am in this life, living this world, and in this world Asuka and I are what we are and maybe when all the angels are gone, and the world doesn't need pilots anymore, Asuka and I can simply be two teenager friends...hopefully without the insults and the beatings...I really am a coward when it comes to her...just let her be...let her be.

Gendo Ikari...commander, cold bastard, and least...and I mean very least...my father. When mother died, she took anything that resembled warmth from him with her to wherever she went, leaving me behind to suffer in his frigid world. Thankfully I didn't have to grow up with him...thankfully? Who is thankful for not having to grow up with their parent? Does that make me a bad person...a worse person than I already am or does it just make me accepting of the hand that was dealt to me...four irrelevant cards and the ace of spades...

He believes in his mission, and he believes in Angels but I wonder if he believes in his son at all...why even after all this time...after all that has happened do I still desire his approval and acceptance? Some primal instinct interwoven into my being, that I need the one who helped create me to love me and approve of my existence...to validate my existence? The one who helped create me...does that mean I need God's love and approval to validate my meager existence? How can that ever be...approval from a man who sees me as a lackluster pilot at best, never as a son. How can that ever be...approval from a being who wants to end my existence as I fight away his messengers of destruction. Can I accept impossibilities if it means I can never prove my worth in this world? I guess I'll just have to be content at being worthless...my body shudders at that thought even in my current mood...I don't want to be worthless...

I feel a gaze falling upon my body, and my head turns the bare minimal to see out of the corner of my eye, hoping that no one in the class notices me noticing and there, clearly evident in the corner of my eye is blue, white and red. Blue hair, pale white skin, and red eyes...with the smallest bit of concern in them. Concern? For me?

The ever observant Rei notices me looking at her and she does a very strange thing...she blushes ever so slightly and breaks her gaze from me, looking back out the window she always stares out as if nothing happened though we both know something did.

Rei Ayanami...Rei is...Rei is...it truly feels like I can label everyone else in my life except her...I truly don't know what she is nor do I understand some of the feelings she inspires in me nor do I know how to deal with any of these things. I'm not good at dealing with anything I guess though this...her...is it possible to be scared but not in a bad way?

Sometimes I forget that I know so little about the pale skinned introvert who is by far the most unique looking girl I have ever seen. I know my father favors her over me but that is what I know of my father, not of her. I also know that I am not jealous of her for that fact nor do I feel any spite toward her for her getting the attention from him I never could obtain...I don't ever find myself feeling anything bad toward her...she is special in that way.

Rei lives alone in a broken down building in a broken down apartment with what appears to be a broken down life yet it never seems to bother her...nothing ever seems to bother her and since the very beginning, since I first saw that hurt blue-haired girl being wheeled out to pilot with no objections despite her suffering, that fact has truly bothered me, and my desire to know why she does what she does only increases as time passes.

Asuka and I pilot EVA to validate our lives and our place in the grand scheme of things but with Rei...I think that her piloting is not for validation but simply is what it is...piloting is Rei and that is all Rei is and I think she believes fully in that fact though I know she is so much more than just a pilot. I have seen that rare smile on her gentle face...there is truly so much more.

I find my eyes continuing to linger on her in a way trying to take in more of than just her graceful physical presence but rather take in the being that truly is Rei...to see something that can not be seen with just an eye...the intangible Rei that is the Rei so beyond a mere pilot. Her head slowly, almost mechanically turns back toward me, her eyes now blank though again they settle on me. Our eyes lock despite my desire to bury my head the second she turned back toward me as if some invisible force holds me there...why does she continue to look at me? Why do I continue to look at her? The strange spell is broken by the sounds of a bell, and soon a pat on my back by Toji completely ends the moment.

I reluctantly and slowly rise to my feet, stuffing my work into my bag, taking one last look back at Rei who again is mechanically packing her stuff before she has to help clean, and soon I am following out the laughing and joking Toji and Kensuke. I can't help but wonder...another hard slap on the back pulls me from my thoughts.

"Hey man, saw you staring at Ayanami...what was that all about?" I find that as usual when confront with anything, my voice refuses to come out as nothing but a stutter and my hands shake ever so slightly.

"I don't know what your talking about Toji."

"Haha...don't give me that Shinji...I may not be the smartest guy in the world but I know what I was seeing...you like her don't you." I find myself blushing and stuttering as I try to walk a little faster a way from my friends out the building...always running away...

"I don't know what your talking about...Ayanami is just a friend and a co worker and..." My none to subtle escape is cut short as Toji grabs hold of the bag on my back preventing and further rapid forward movement.

"Well if that's all Shinji then why are you so nervous and blushing so much? Seems like those are signs that your hiding something? A secret crush perhaps?" Kensuke takes the moment to chime in with his opinion, continuing the teasing...good natured teasing though I much prefer if I could just sink into the ground at the moment.

"Look..she's right over there and she's looking at you..." My head snaps to the left and there in fact is Rei looking at me from the window of the classroom, a curious look in her red eyes...what is this about? She quickly notices our attention is now on her and soon she disappears from the window. I can't help but linger on the window.

"So how about you explain that one old Shinji boy?" And the teasing returns, and it does not stop until I make it home, my friends attention finally pulled away from me and focused squarely on Misato waving from the balcony in less than covering clothing. For once I am very happy that Misato loves being the center of attention. I sneak away from the two leering jokers and head to the haven of my room where I can lay in bed and listen to some music. I've earned that haven't I? Probably not.

It is hours later and night has finally fallen though I find myself unable to sleep. I am restless, with my head filled with dozens of conflicting thoughts ranging from if I should recheck my homework to what I will have to make for breakfast tomorrow to glimpses of naked female flesh in my hormonal teenage mind. I do my best to control thoughts like those, but even I know this to be a futile effort. I'm a 14 year old boy filled with a rather high degree of sexual frustration in his life...I can't help it.

A flash of Rei's naked body enters my mind, one of the more clear images I've seen since I have in fact seen her without clothes on when I first went over to her apartment...felt her without clothes on...an accident in its truest form. It took me a long time before I could look at her without blushing after that, talk to her without stuttering...what am I talking about...I still blush and stutter when I encounter her though I think its for different reasons now than then. Seeing her image in my head makes me feel guilty, just as when I have images of Asuka...only proving her right that I'm just a pervert though with Rei, there is something truly tantalizing about her body...her pale flesh flawless still despite the injuries I know she's sustained in her life of piloting...a remarkable thing.

Rei never seemed to care that I saw her naked though of course neither of us ever brought it up after the incident. She doesn't seem to understand modesty in a way, that human beings shouldn't allow themselves to be seen without clothes except in only certain circumstances...that her body should be viewed naked least of all by me. She never seemed to care...she never seems to care...that bothers me so...I shake the guilt proving images out of my head and roll over in my bed onto my back staring at the ceiling. A familiar ceiling for once...that thought gives me a small smile.

I still can't help but think about Rei though not about her body this time though a small part of me really wants to. I wonder if she is sleeping at this moment or is having trouble with falling into sleep like I am? I wonder if she is staring at the ceiling, thoughts of me flowing through her head. Highly unlikely...she is probably soundly asleep, exactly 8 hours, then to school in a clean uniform to start another day. However, she looked at me today...twice that I know and maybe its happened before or maybe not. I don't know but I like to think it has happened before...why does that make me feel selfish? There is something wrong with me.

I worry for Rei, all alone in that broken down place she has as a home, and I wonder why she doesn't live somewhere else. I know NERV would supply her with pretty much anything she wants, at the very least a place with locks on the door...does she not truly value her safety? Her worth? Rei confuses me with so many questions of who she is and maybe I should just talk with her more to find out but I'm a coward or maybe I don't want to know all the answers. Some things are better left unknown but then again, some things need to be known...I could try...but then I could fail...I just don't know.

I've seen Rei smile and seeing that smile on that beautiful face made me feel the strangest things and today, seeing that concern in her eyes, I felt something again...it makes me happy to know she is concerned for me even if I don't understand the why nor feel I deserve that from her. Conflicting emotions...everything is conflicting, contradicting, and strange but in my life, my world, that simply is...with maybe validation lying somewhere in between...somewhere within EVA, within Misato, Asuka and my Father, or maybe within Rei. It is the strangest thought I think I've had and the one I finally carry with me into the world of dreams.


	2. Background Noise

A/N: Sorry this took so long...had to have a kidney removed which hindered my writing for a bit but hopefully things will flow a little better if I can actually get my interest back to do any writing...nothing like major surgery to put a damper on your day...err week...err you get the point. Enjoy it if ya can.

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or anything related to it in any way, shape, or form in this existence and probably any other existence...I have pretty shitty luck

Where Does Existence Lie?

Chapter 2: Background Noise

By: Frozenwords

Earth...the entire world sits before me, quiet and lonely in the vastness of existence ...always quiet and lonely. It is a speck standing out in the infinite darkness...nothing in the grand space of all things yet this is where I live...where I fight a battle a barely understand. The sight in front of me fades slowly but rather than fading into darkness, it fades into light.

Blinding, white light is all encompassing...all consuming though I can not shield myself from it...I'm not entirely sure if I want to. Despite the feeling that all my senses are being disrupted by this, I can still somehow feel some..some being lording over me, the source of all this powerful yet comforting light.

It is faint, barely above the quietest of whispers yet seems to reach into the very core of my being...a voice...that voice...

"Why..."

"Why what? Who...who are you?" My own voice sounds strange as if it really isn't being spoken though it still comes out stuttering and unsure.

"Why did you choose this?"

"I don't understand...I don't..." The warmth from the light suddenly increases, passing over me...passing through me and of me and for a brief second, I hope that I never have to leave this place but as soon as it starts, it is pulled away by the sounds of the morning.

"You stupid moron! Where is my breakfast!" My eyes flutter open ever so slowly though I'm pretty sure that even despite the dream my mind awoke completely at the sound of my screeching alarm clock...or Asuka as most people call her. One thing I've learned is that she will undoubtably wake up extra early on days that all I want to do is sleep. Once again, fate's whipping boy takes another for the team but then I guess it could be worse...

I rise to my feet and shuffle mindlessly to the door opening it up to find the seething red head standing there in mid motion to slam her fist against my door, the slightest bit of shock on her face at my sudden appearance. The shock soon gives way to more flashes of red anger as her hand slaps me across my face.

"You pervert! Put some pants on before you open the door. Do you think anyone wants to see that!"

Of course Asuka lies around all day in less clothes than I'm wearing at the moment but I figured its best not to bring that fact up. I really don't feel like any more abuse, and I know I will always inevitably end up taking it...I can't justify stopping it one way or another and honestly, my mind is slowly being taken over by thoughts of my latest dream. Not the first time I've experienced something like that and really, it feels like they've been there since the beginning though not always as comforting as that one had been.

I suddenly forget that Asuka is still standing in front of me, and she is clearly seething for the fact that I had been ignoring her as I was lost in my own little world. Another slap meets my face, and she spins around with a rather nonfeminine grunt leaving quickly. I continue standing there in the doorway for a few more seconds for really no reason before letting out a large yawn knowing it was time for another day...hopefully another one without Angels.

An hour later am still busying myself with cooking both breakfast and lunches for both me and Asuka. I know it is getting late into the morning, and it is only a matter of time before...

"Oh shit!" The sound of something hitting the floor and a large pile of what has to be beer cans signals that Misato has finally awoken. As usual, she is running late. I smile slightly as I gaze down at Pen Pen who gives me a knowing nod. Sometimes that penguin is far too perceptive...maybe even more than me sometimes.

I hear Misato bashing and slamming into various things in her room as I set the table for breakfast. Eventually, she comes tearing into the room like a cannonball, still pulling on her shirt yet at the same time drinking her first morning beer. I turn around quickly as all of her modesty is still not covered, hiding the smallest of blushes.

"Morning Shinji...ah breakfast smells great." She sits down heavily at the table but not before slamming her beer, leaving nothing but an empty container to fall to the floor...for me to clean up. She starts gobbling down food and to my amazement, somehow has a new beer already in her hand. I shake my head as I go back to finishing up some things. It is not long before Asuak's voice is heard coming into the room.

"Finally some food. Took you long enough." I don't turn around though I can hear her sit down. She starts eating hungrily and loudly though all the background noise is soon tuned out as I busy myself with washing some dishes while continuing to contemplate my latest dream.

I was hard to explain just like all of them despite this one being the most straightforward I think I've ever had. Most of them were very disruptive and vague, images and lights flashing more rapid than I could even see, and every time I awoke I felt strange and unsettled, and sometimes so empty...very, very empty. However this time, what I first had seen had been completely clear and there had been a distinct voice speaking to me...a voice I knew but just couldn't place. Also, that light...that overwhelming light had been one of the nicest feelings I have ever felt in so very long, safe and inviting. I didn't want it to end.

Eventually, I come back to reality when my stomach grumbles and I turn around to eat my food only to find my plate empty. I look over at Misato who is digging back in the fridge and then at Asuka who is whistling to herself nonchalantly as if nothing happened, busying herself with her nails. I look down at Pen Pen who is just shaking his head at me. A small smile forms on my face as Misato lets out a yelp of pain as she bangs her head on the refrigerator as she pulls out.

"Dammit all!" She glares at her watch as she rubs the back of her head before her eyes nearly bug out of her head.

"Shit! I need to get going. I'll see you two later for dinner. Bye now." Misato gives me a kiss on my cheek before she leaves, and I slap her away in sheer embarrassment. Soon enough, the human whirlwind that is Misato has soon burst through the door and screeching tires is soon heard as she speeds off into the city. I look back over at Asuka who is still completely ignoring me after obviously eating my breakfast. I let out a sigh as I grab a piece of fruit from the counter. Just another day. I never do realize that my plate of food somehow made its way onto Pen Pen's plate as the penguin somehow smiles at my exit.

The day goes on just like usual, the streak of Angel inactivity remaining undisturbed, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing at all. A strange sense of almost serenity...almost if it were not for the constant teasing by Asuka, Kensuke, and Toji. Its like I'm there for their own personal amusement though I really can't find anything funny about me...I mean I am pretty boring yet they always seem to find something about me that is pure entertainment.

The hours click by, the teacher talking and talking and soon it is lunch time. I follow my friends out the door, their never ending energy always ceasing to amaze me though I never can find the ability to be so exuberant about nothing. Its hard enough for me when there are moments that actually deserve such a display.

It is another beautiful day with the sun shining bright and everyone gathers into their little groups to eat their lunch. I sit down next to Toji and Kensuke as they continue to talk about some new rumor about some girl who is willing to do this or that...I really can't find myself caring because my gaze has settled on the pale skinned form of Rei Ayanami. She sits by herself reading quietly under a nearby tree rather than eating, and I can't help but realize I never seem to see her eat. Maybe that is why she is so skinny...so petite yet I never really see her as being too thin because of the unending grace that seems to flow from her every move. She turns a page in her book with a slender hand, expressionless face remaining and I can't help but continue to study her face...as if I'm looking for something that simply can not be seen...I've done that before I think.

Slowly, her head turns toward me and my own eyes meet the mysterious crimson that is Rei. I almost feel like I'm being pulled into them and for the briefest of seconds, I think I see a flash of white and then I know no more.

_Shinji...Why Shinji...Why this Shinji...Shinji...Shinji...Shinji..Wake _up Shinji...Come on Shinji...Shinji!

I sit up with a gasp as if my lungs were fighting to gain air back into them, the world still spinning around me...shapes and blurs slowly forming into faces and bodies. What just happened? I raise my hand to my throbbing head, trying to gain back some clarity and I can see Toji and Kensuke kneeling next to me along with Hikari...they were the one's calling to me except the first person...that was someone different...something different.

"You okay man?" I look over at Toji who actually has a strange concern in his eyes despite trying to retain is normal, uncaring macho persona.

"What happened?" Kensuke responds to my barely there words.

"It was really weird man. You were just sitting there and all of a sudden you collapsed to the ground. You had all of us really worried."

I hear the words though I really don't process them because of the continued pain in my head...not quite a migraine...just dull, disruptive pain. The world around me continues to be a bit hazy as my friends slowly try to pull me to my fight though I uncharacteristically fight back at them to prevent my movement. I really just want to sit here on the ground for awhile.

What happened I can't help but wonder. The last thing I remember is...Rei...I was looking at Rei and then...I don't know. My head snaps over on its own initiative to exactly where Rei should be, and there she still was though this time she was standing, her uniform and hair blowing slightly in some unseen wind. She is clutching the book she was reading tightly to her chest and despite everything else in the world being hazy, it is her eyes that I am graced with being able to see clearly. Concern...and fear...is that fear I see? Impossible...Rei is not afraid of anything...one must fear losing something to have fear I think. However, I do not have any more time to study the depths of the crimson pools for the moment she realizes I am looking at her, she half run, half walks away from my view, disappearing behind the tree she was standing next to. I whisper her name slightly as once again, everything around me reverts to nothing but background noise...lost within the walls of my own mind.

I was allowed to leave school early because of my 'episode' though someone did have to accompany home to make sure I got there safely and since Asuka lived with me...she was more than happy to be my escort because it too got her out of school for the day.

"So third child...aren't you going to thank me for taking the time to walk you home?" I continue to look at my shoes as I shuffle along the street, still swept up in my own thoughts, speaking almost automatic to Asuka.

"Thank you Asuka."

"Hmph...all I was asking for was a little well deserved gratitude. No need to be rude." I ignore her which only annoys her more.

"Earth to Shinji. I'm talking to you!" She yells in my ear which, and the sudden noise startles me out of my reverie.

"Finally a reaction...thought there was nobody home." I look over at Asuka without any real emotion and simply go back to walking home. She hesitates for a few moments before I can hear her almost skipping forward to catch up with me.

"Are you sure your feeling okay? I don't want you collapsing on me because I'm not going to carry you back."

"I'm fine Asuka...just a little tired." I respond no more hoping for a few moments of silence and Asuka actually grants me as much, though not before giving me a small warning.

"Well just wait until you get home. Misato should be waiting for you since the school called her...you know how she gets about her little Shinji." I almost feel like screaming...almost.

"Shinji!" The slightly shrieking voice of Misato causes a shiver to run up my spine as she slaps her hand to my forehead to check my temperature.

"Hmm...you don't feel hot. I guess we'll have to try a thermometer just to make sure." She spins around and starts chaotically digging through a drawer that I know only has cooking stuff in it, and I'm sure my eyes bug out of my head as she pulls out a large thermometer used for cooking.

"Here we are...sure hope this isn't a rectal thermometer." I choke on my own saliva at her casual words, holding my hands up quickly in the best defensive maneuver I can muster against the purple haired threat standing before me.

"Misato..." Her name comes more out as a scared screech than anything else. She looks at me with confused, soft eyes.

"I'll be fine. I think I just fainted from lack of food since I didn't get any breakfast and hadn't eaten lunch yet. I think I need to just ly down for awhile." She nods her head with my words, accepting my explanation without question despite me knowing it is not the truth. I hate lying to her...I hate lying to anyone but I really don't know what happened and this explanation requires less questions and less Misato buzzing around me like a concerned mother...mother...I can't help but smile as I think that thought. I look toward the woman I just associated the word with to find her bent over in the fridge already pulling out a beer now that she knows I'm okay. I chuckle slighlty...I would really miss her...my heart stops in my chest at the thought...why would I think something like that?

I'm just tired...far too tired. I drop my bag to the ground and lethargically walk toward my room. I just need to sleep some more and everything will be fine. I enter my room just as the television starts blaring undoubtably from Asuka though like everything today, it becomes nothing but background noise to my own mind. I fall on to my bed, not even bothering to reach for my SDAT player, but instead losing myself in my thoughts rather than the music, wondering if the white light will be there for me again when I finally fall asleep.


	3. Shadowed Light

1A/N: To be honest, if I get on a roll with writing, I could have a chapter out every other day or so but I do have two other projects I'm working on not related in any way to EVA which are priority just because its almost been a year and I'm almost done...hopefully. Anyways, things still moving a bit slow but they kind of have to be for now...set the tone/stage and all that stuff. Hope this is better than I think it is. Thanks to those that reviewed...input is always helpful, especially considering it is my first EVA story attempt...still fine tuning a few things. That's it...

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or anything related to it in any way, shape, or form in this existence and probably any other existence...I have pretty shitty luck

Where Does Existence Lie?

Chapter 3: Shadowed Light

By: Frozenwords

Gone...my fault...all my fault...I was too weak...couldn't save them...couldn't save her...did I save her...its not her...or is it? I don't deserve to be here anymore...it hurts too much...don't deserve to live anymore...worthless...weak...nothing...nothing. Just want to go away...don't want to be alone...just want to fade away...please don't leave me alone...I'm sorry...so sorry ...Asuka ...Mother...Misato...Rei!

I can't...I can't...I think I'm awake now...I think the nightmare has ended but I'm not sure...not sure about anything. I'm nothing but a huddling, whimpering mass, unidentifiable feelings and pains welling up deep inside me, refusing to relent their hold on me. Darkness...so much darkness...and the smell permeating everything...LCL...blood...I can't get it out of my senses.

I think I'm in my bed, in my room, but I'm still unsure...still confused. I can't help but curl up further as I feel like I just want to cry and never stop...cry until there's nothing left of me. I whimper slightly as it feels like my heart wants to pull itself from my chest, but thankfully that pain passes quickly. I tilt my head every so slightly, a few red lights standing out in my vision, the strange formation slowly forming into coherent numbers that tell me it is 4...four in the morning it must be. Sleep...sleep won't be coming again.

Dreams to nightmares so quickly and again nothing clear yet so much familiararity...I can feel it in my gut. I just don't understand...how can I understand? Why did I call out for Rei like I did...reaching out for her like she was my only hope, with so much need? I don't want any more questions. Why can't anyone just tell me what it all means...tell me what to do.

Thoughts continue to plague me as the numbers on the clock click by without hesitation, and before I know it, its morning and Asuka is again banging on my door with all she can muster. I rise to my feet, rubbing my eyes, still some moisture there. I don't want Asuka to know I was crying...she would only make fun of me more than she already does.

I answer the door after doing my best to compose myself, and Asuka's look of anger flashes for almost an unnoticeable moment to concern before one of disgust.

"What the hell is wrong with you? I swear if your sick, and you get me sick, I'm so going to hurt you. Forget making my breakfast. You'd just end up spreading your germs." She spins around walking away proudly back to her room, moving her hips in a way that I can't help but stare. I shake my head...there is something truly wrong with me.

I spend the rest of my time at the apartment doing my best to get ready for school, knowing full well I'd rather be at school than alone with my thought the whole day here. When I look at myself in the mirror, I realize Asuka was correct, and I did look sick but by the time I'm ready, I look far better and actually feel a little revitalized.

It didn't seem Misato had to be at work until later in the day because I could hear the soft snores coming from her room peacefully. I was kind of glad I didn't have to deal with her because she probably would just get concerned about my appearance and then maybe there would be the possibility she would ask questions I didn't to answer. It was just easier not to see her.

I managed to find some small things to eat for breakfast as well as managed to throw together a decent lunch. I at least wanted to have more in my stomach than yesterday. Asuka finally came into the kitchen dressed in her uniform, giving me a dismissive snap of her head before gathering her stuff to leave. I think this was a good thing...the fact that she didn't want to talk to me. I don't know what I did to deserve this small moment...probably nothing. I gather my stuff together and soon am heading out the door with slightly hunched shoulders, unsure of what I'm really doing with anything.

--

I don't know why but the first thing I noticed at class was that Rei was not there. It was common for her to miss class as she always seemed to have more duties to NERV than either me or Asuka, but for some reason, I just really noticed her absence this day and the room just didn't feel the same without seeing her quiet gazing out the window. Something is seriously wrong with me.

The day comes and goes...another day where the Angel sirens don't beckon me to NERV. I am grateful for moments like these, no signs of Angels since the defeat of the 11th Angel at NERV headquarters. Thankfully then, I didn't have to do any fighting either though I did end up trapped in a plug for who knows how many hours. Its as peaceful as it gets for me...never truly peace, just not fighting.

I rise from my seat at the sound of the bell, actually feeling pretty good physically though my brain feels like it doesn't know whether to start or stop. I walk mindlessly toward the door and am startled when somebody is suddenly standing right in front of me.

"So how are you feeling today Shinji?" Hikari stands in front of me with a warm smile on her face and despite her sudden interest in me at the moment, making me slightly nervous, I can't help but return the smile. Hikari genuinely cared about other people, that can not be denied, and I can't help but wonder if people think the same thing when they think of me...I'm a good person...I try to be a good person...am I a good person?

"I'm fine Hikari, thank you for asking. I forgot to eat breakfast yesterday, and I think it caused me to get weak. Nothing wrong with me anymore." She smiles another nice smile for me though I know really at the moment, I'm not fine.

"Well I'm glad to hear that Shinji because I was a little scared when I saw you collapse yesterday, but if your doing fine then you can resume your responsibilities." For a second, I almost forgot she was the highly devoted class representative.

"You missed your after school cleaning duty yesterday so you can make it up to the class by delivering these papers to Rei Ayanami. I know you've been to her apartment before so it works out perfectly." Hikari really has a way of making you agree to do things without a second thought, and it is only a few moments later that I've already said my good byes and am walking toward my destination.

To be honest, I'm very nervous about going to Rei's apartment for a lot of reasons I understand and for a lot of reasons I can't comprehend. The most obvious of course is a reminder of the last time I was there and the encounter with a very nude Rei...seems like such a long time ago. Then of course there's all the strange looks she's been giving me lately and that occurrence yesterday with me passing out.

Then there's the feelings I can't identify when I think about going to see Rei alone...a warm, nervousness of sorts but also a terrible feeling of dread that is even more unexplainable. What is going on with me? Maybe I'm just finally going nuts...not like everyone probably didn't expect it from me...not like I didn't expect it from me.

I walk closer and closer to my destination, into a side of town that really seems like it is in a perpetual state of destruction and construction, constant working and noise everyday, with the one true unchanging element being the building Rei lives in despite it needing severe work. It was like the universe itself was ordered not to touch that place under any circumstances.

Rei lived alone in that building, and to this day, I can't understand how a 14 year old girl is allowed to live on her own in such a dump and the fact that no one has ever seemed to show any objections to it is just another mystery to me I can't figure out...lots of things I can never figure out but that's beside the point. I just can't understand why Rei should have to live by herself away everyone else...can't understand why it doesn't seem to bother her at all. Of course maybe that's just it...it only seems to not bother her but really does. I don't know...maybe I'm just reaching with all of this. Who am I to question how someone else lives when I'm such a terrible example of it...not many people in this world more worthless than me...all I do is pilot, and not even well.

I feel a few of the images from my latest nightmare creeping into my vision, my hands starting to shake ever so slightly, but thankfully the task at hand diverts my attention as I find myself at Rei's door which seems to barely be hanging on the hinges, mail easily overflowing from the slot like someone hasn't lived here for weeks. Then again, I've seen the inside before, and it didn't look like anyone had lived there for weeks either though I know she did.

I knock tentatively on the door, in a way hoping she won't answer, in a way praying she will answer, really wanting to just drop the papers there and run off into the coming twilight. Yeah...that does sound easiest doesn't it. I realize after a few moments that nobody is coming, and I also realize that if I leave the papers out here, she will never find them, so I very reluctantly decide to bite the bullet and go in. I know the door is not locked...there is no lock.

The creaky door opens easily for me, and I enter into the dark, dreary place that is Rei's home. It honestly feels like some type of run down infirmary. Rei's home has become even stranger looking to me after living with Asuka...after seeing her room. Aren't girls supposed to have lots of clothes and stuff? Rei had nothing that I really could see except for a few spare school uniforms and that pair of broken glasses from my father.

I pull my bag off of my back to get the papers out, quickly finding them and placing them on her bed...I know she will find them there. Despite the messiness of the entire apartment, her bed is still made immaculately. I don't know what that means.

Suddenly, I hear the door opening behind me, and I spin quickly around so that I can explain myself to Ayanami when she walks in. The door is open, but all I can make out is a barely there silhouette. The sun has moved across the sky to the point that it is shining almost directly through the door, contrasting the darkness of the room greatly, causing me to wince at the sight before me. The person in the door is small and thin, it has to be Rei but a flash of light before my eyes hits, and suddenly, I'm not so sure what is before me. Blinding, shimmering streams of white light seemingly reaching out to me from an enormous white figure. I try to back away from them but find that its like I'm not even there...like I don't really have a body. This isn't happening...this can't be happening...what's going on! The white light engulfs me completely.

--

What happened? Was it another dream? Was everything today nothing but a dream? I find my eyes slowly opening, struggling to come back to the waking world. Am I dead? Did I die...does it matter.

My eyes finally force their way open, and I find myself looking up at the seemingly serene face of Rei Ayanami, far closer than I am used to. She looks down at me, a small bit of uncertainty in her eyes.

"Rei...where am I?" I almost didn't register that I had just called her Rei instead of Ayanami...it felt natural. She answers me with her soft voice.

"You are on the floor where you fell down. I wished to put you on the bed, but I am unable to lift you." I'm on the floor? Then why is my head on something so soft? I then realize where I am at. My head is supported comfortably in Rei's lap, a wet rag on my forehead. My head is on Rei's lap...my head is on Rei's lap! I instantly shoot up from my position, causing some dizziness at my sudden vertical state...or maybe its all a result of me falling and hitting me head from before. I clutch my head as some pain sets in as I sit on the ground again, my gaze inevitably returns to Rei who continues to sit there on her knees staring at me almost curiously and boringly at the same time. The softness of her gaze elicits a strange feeling within me.

"Are you okay Ikari?"

"Yes, I think so...um..I'm sorry for being in your apartment. Hikari gave me some papers to drop off to you, and you weren't home so I came in and wanted to put them somewhere you'd find them then you can back and then I guess I fainted again...I'm really sorry all about this Rei." I speak nervously and rapidly though Rei doesn't seem to register it.

"I do not mind you coming into my home Ikari. You've done it before have you not?" I blush instantly at this mention of the last time, my mouth going dry, refusing to function for me. Rei looks at me strangely but not really, as if she's used to seeing me like this and it is no longer odd to see. She's probably right.

I force myself to my feet, only a very slight stumble, and I instinctively do the polite thing, reaching my hand out to the still kneeling Rei. Obviously the polite thing, but obviously stupid because I know Rei will not take it. She doesn't like being touched but then she did have my head in her lap. I'm still completely shocked when her slender hand tentatively sneaks into mind that I almost don't grip it...her hand is so soft. I finally force my body back into motion, gripping her hand as gently as I can so that I can pull her to her feet, which despite my nervousness and overly clumsiness, she makes the action look so perfectly graceful, moving in one, perfect fluidic movement. We stand there for however long, and we just stare at each other, and a truly feel like for once, Rei is looking at me and not at all through me.

"Ikari..."

"Yes?"

"You can let go of my hand now." It takes me a moment to register what she says and then I pull my hand from hers very sheepishly, blushing and muttering apologies. Always apologizing for something...maybe Asuka is right about me, maybe I am a coward. I fidget nervously now that there is no sound...normally I'm happy nothing is happening but standing in front of Rei like this, I just want anything to happen to break this awkwardness that seems to only affect me. Rei answers my prayers. She simply walks away from me toward her bed, picking up the papers, reading over them while I stand there like some type of idiot just watching her.

"Um well, I guess I'll just go now Ayanami. Will you be at school tomorrow?" She looks up from her reading at me, again her crimson gaze falling directly on me.

"Yes I will Ikari. I have no other business to attend to."

"That's good. I'll see you there then. If you want you can come have lunch with me and the guys if you want...you don't have to if you don't want to...you know what, I'll see you in class tomorrow...bye." I grab my bag and what can only be described as fleeing occurs despite me having the boldness to ask anything of Rei like I just did. I don't look back as she slowly follows my fleeing form to the door, watching me as I disappear from view. I don't hear her departing words either.

"Good bye Shinji..."


	4. Lunch and Gratitude

A/N: Well who thinks this took far too long to write? Yeah me too. Sorry. I kind of made a mistake starting this story when I did, when I still have two very long and intricate Teen Titan stories to be finished under another penname. I still haven't finished them, but I found it absolutely necessary to write this chapter before I completely forget where I'm going with this story. Again, sorry for the long delay and I hope this chapter isn't too subpar and actually makes up for the delay.

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or anything related to it in any way, shape, or form in this existence and probably any other existence...I have pretty shitty luck

Where Does Existence Lie?

Chapter 4: Lunch and Gratitude

By: Frozenwords

Sleep is dreamless. Sleep lacks nightmares. Sleep is only sleep, and for that I am forever grateful. Normally, the blaring, annoying, and high pitched sound of my alarm clock is something to dread, just like the blaring, high pitched, and very ominous alarm for angel attacks, but this morning, when my alarm goes off to wake me from my slumber, I can't help but smile a bit because that means I slept the whole night through.

I stand to my feet, stretching out my body with a satisfied groan, feeling exceptionally well today, better than I have in a very long time, and definitely much better than the past few days, the memories of those days forgotten for the time being. I head toward the bathroom to get my day started, about fifteen minutes later hearing the alarm of Asuka, her alarm planned perfectly that I would be out of her way by the time she got up, only having to truly deal with me once her breakfast was prepared and set before her like some royal princess. Just another one of my lowly purposes... serving those that actually have a use for me...like my piloting and my father.

I shake my head, clearing the cluttered thoughts from my head, doing my best to return to the slightly smiling mood I awoke as. Making breakfast helps with that as I plan on making something a little more complicated than usual so that my mind actually has to train its awareness on the task at hand rather than mindless routine that most of my life has become.

It is not that long later that Asuka strolls out into the kitchen, making her presence known by an unfeminine snort at the fact that her breakfast is not on the table, but her words are cut off as she truly smells the flavor in the air, giving her the smallest smiles of satisfaction as she sits down. Misato, drawn by the wafting smell, also shows up in the kitchen a few minutes later, dressed in her normal state of 'undress' in the morning, happily reaching for her first beer out of the fridge, slamming it down with the traditional, triumphant yell. I can't help but smile at the action.

"Good morning Misato...no work today?"

"Not till tonight...I got the whole day to do nothing but lie around here...or maybe I'll go shopping...I could use some new clothes...eh doesn't matter, can never find anything that ever fits me..." She trails off in her thoughts as she gets up to grab another beer, still talking softly to herself, probably trying to plan some type of plan for the day. It really is amazing that this is the same woman who can organize an angel defense in a matter of moments yet can't organize her own life.

My breakfast creation is finally ready, and I serve the two women with a smile on my face, feeling slightly proud of what I made. Misato says thank you while Asuka only nods her head slightly, and I kind of feel a little sad that she won't even say thank you to me.

"Wow this is good Shinji...I don't think I've ever eaten something this good for breakfast. Don't you think so Asuka?" A bow slightly to Misato for her praise, though I am awaiting to hear what Asuaka say. I don't know why, but I feel like I need her approval as well for the food I've prepared...approval she never gives.

"Meh...its okay...nothing compared to what I'm used to back in Germany, but it won't kill me to eat it...I hope not at least..." Asuka eyes suspiciously the piece she is about to pop in her mouth like it will attack her, and I feel my shoulders involuntarily hunch at her less than encouraging reaction. She just can't ever say something nice can she...I let out a sigh that no one notices as they busy themselves eating while I sit down quietly and even more quietly eat the remaining food. This will be a good day...this will be a good day. I keep chanting the words over and over again in my mind, almost for a second believing them.

--

Asuka and I walked to school with me saying almost nothing but her chattering incessantly about things I really don't care about...like her greatness and superiority to everyone else, especially me. Its supposed to be a good day.

Thankfully, we finally arrive at class, and I immediately become irrelevant to the red-head as she walks over to Hikari. I silently thank the universe for her leaving though I can't help but wonder why I even want things like her approval this morning if she seems to completely disregard my existence unless it suits her. I really don't know. My thoughts are pulled up from their downward spill as my eyes settle on the young woman who hadn't been in class yesterday...Rei Ayanami.

As usual, she gazes out the window with a blank expression on her face, everyone's existence, not just my own, seemingly completely irrelevant to her, but that fact doesn't seem to bother me as much as it is with Asuka. I can't help but smile when I see her though she pays me no mind, a brief flash of the 'incident' yesterday goes through my head causing me to blush slightly. She had actually taken my hand...I've never held something so delicate, as if I had been too rough, it would have shattered within my grasp. Of course I know Rei is not glass, has sustained dozens of severe injuries and come back from them all, but I can't help but think as I look at her, that she truly is something so fragilely precious, that if you push to hard, she would fall to dust.

I again shake my head as words that I barely know let alone understand strangely appear there, as if seeing Rei has inspired me in the way those that wrote the pieces I play on my cello were inspired, pieces I so terribly recreate in my bungling I call playing...I really am not any good.

Toji's voice calls me over, and I walk over toward him, returning to the world I'm actually in, but not before giving one last lingering glance at Rei with a smile. Maybe it will be a good day.

--

I'm smiling as I walk outside for lunch, unable not to with the antics of my two friends. Some days it seems all those two do is ridicule each other, and on occasions me, but it truly is all in good fun. We settle in to our normal table, Toji pulling out his enormous pile of food, tossing it on the table with a thud.

"This is going to be awesome. By far, lunch is my favorite part of the day. Its too bad I don't get a grade for this." Kensuke and I chuckle.

"Yeah, then maybe you wouldn't be the lowest ranked person in our class. I mean seriously, could you at least pass one test...even I feel guilty on making so much money betting against you." I laugh as Toji glares at his smaller friend.

"Wait...you're betting against me?" Then he thinks about it more. "Wait...there's people betting on my test scores? Why didn't anybody tell me about this?"

"Well we felt if you knew, it would affect the integrity of the results. It was better you were left in the dark."

"Man, this is bullshit. Shinji did you know about this?" I open my mouth to answer, but Kensuke does it for me.

"Oh yea. He's even made a bet one time, and if it makes you feel any better, he bet on you to succeed rather well." Toji nods at me.

"At least somebody has faith in their friends...maybe you could learn something from Shinji Kensuke."

"Yeah because obviously I'm not going to learn anything from you..hahaha." Even I can't help but bust out laughing at the joke. Toji only grumbles to himself as he goes to sit down finally to eat his lunch when he stops suddenly, his eyes going wide in shock. I look over at Kensuke, who is sitting next to Toji, and he has an identical look on his face...as if they've just seen an Angel appear out of nowhere in a clown suit singing karaoke.

"What's going on guys?" My question is answered quite clearly when someone sits down at the table right next to me, both of my friend's eyes locked on the person with the upmost disbelief. I turn to the person who 'feels' rather familiar to me, and it is then that I am reminded of the last things I had said to Rei yesterday at her apartment.

Rei Ayanami...Rei is...Rei is actually taking me up on my rambling offer to have lunch with me. She has never eaten with anybody the entire time I've known her, heck she's barely spoke to anyone besides NERV personnel the entire time I've known her. No wonder Toji and Kensuke are so shocked...I'm shocked!

She does not say anything, her lithe weight barely felt on the bench next to me though her presence is felt heavily. She has a small, meager amount of food in front of her, slowly setting it out. The table is deathly quiet, no one sure how to react to this very unexpected occurrence, and Rei seems to finally notice the uncomfortableness of each of us. She turns her head to look at me, and I am even more surprised that Rei looks almost timid as she looks at me. I am used to Rei being quiet, bu this is truly the first time I've seen her look like she was shy about something...unsure.

"I have decided to take you up on your offer to have lunch with you Ikari." Her soft voice comes out though for some reason I have trouble processing it, not responding. A strange look passes through her eyes.

"It appears I have misunderstood your comments yesterday...I shall go..." She moves to get up, and I almost like on instinct reach out and grab her softly by the arm.

"Its okay Rei. I'm really happy that you decided to come eat with us. I was just a little surprised that you actually wanted to eat with me. You don't have to leave." She seems to stare at my hand that is touching her arm, another strange look of uncertainty in her eyes, and I find myself holding my breath. She moves to sit back down, and I pull my hand back satisfied that she did not leave. I look over at Toji and Kensuke who still haven't moved, and I give them a look to do something which they see and they quietly say hello to Ayanami before busying themselves with their food. She offers them a soft greeting as well before picking up a small piece of food. I find myself smiling even though the situation is slightly awkward, just really happy that Ayanami actually chose to eat with me. I feel...I don't exactly know.

I finally look to my lunch, starting to eat it, trying to come up with something to talk about that Rei might actually contribute to but also Toji and Kensuke wouldn't feel left out on. Of course I also wanted to think of something that wouldn't cause Rei to run away because of some of the things that my friends like to spew out of their mouths. However, my mind goes into a state of panic when I see a very sly smile cross Toji's face.

"So Ayanami...tell me since obviously Shinji didn't say anything. Are you Shinj's girlfriend or something?" I feel my heart stop, feeling the tremendous urge to run away right now from the question and the situation, Toji's mocking smile clearly still in my vision. I guess this is what I get for not telling him about the bets on him. Stupid...stupid...Rei's going to get upset at me for something...I don't know what but something.

"No..." That is all Rei's response is, not even looking up from the table. Toji's smile falters, probably expecting some type of confusion or some other response, unsure of how to respond himself. I'm actually amazed that Rei so quickly and easily understood just what Toji was asking. In the small part of my mind that wasn't in a full blown panic, I was actually surprised that Rei didn't answer with something along the lines of 'I am girl and I do believe I am Shinji's friend so yes." I was also surprised that I could swear I've heard her say that exact line before though I am almost positive that is impossible. Kensuke decided to keep up my torture. What did I do to deserve this? Oh wait...yeah...

"Well do you want to be Ayanami?" If the first question made my heart stop, this one causes it to go into overdrive, my whole body seemingly growing hotter, the blood rushing to my face. Rei turns her head to look at me, an actual physical response to this question, her crimson gaze seemingly softer than usual, as if she truly understands just how uncomfortable I am at this moment. There is no response to his question because it is at this moment, that Asuka's loud voice is heard.

"Well look at this. The doll decided to sit with the Three Stooges. Isn't this cute, the doll trying to make friends." I look up at Asuka, my eyes slowing pulling from Rei's face which seems to cringe slightly at the word doll. There is Asuka, standing there in all her glory, with Hikari standing behind her with an apologetic look on her face, somehow saying 'I'm sorry for my friend' dozens of times with only a look.

"Oh geez...I really don't need the Red Devil right now. Can't I just enjoy my lunch in peace?"

"Oh shut it you moron. No one cares what you think. What I'm wondering right now is what SHE is doing here? Shouldn't you be off all by yourself somewhere?" Asuka bends down slightly so that her face is at the level of Rei's, looking fiercely at the blue-haired girl who only continues to look straight down at the table in front of her. Why is Asuka doing this? Why does she seem to care so much that Rei is sitting with me? I just don't understand it. Why can't she just leave her alone. Rei didn't do anything to her.

"I mean seriously, why would anyone waste their time sitting with these two idiots and Shinji, the King of the Idiots. Do you hear me doll? I'm talking to you." Asuka seems to get angrier, and I know from experience it is a very bad thing to ignore Asuka when she wants your attention. I see her push the immobile Rei slightly, and I instantly feel my blood boil from the action, as Rei only continues to sit there staring down. Asuka has no right to touch her when she hasn't done anything wrong. Its okay when Asuka hits me because I probably deserve it but Rei hasn't done anything wrong. Unfamiliar feelings are welling up inside me as I watch Asuka go to push Rei again, this time clearly harder, and my hand, without any thought from my own head, reached out quickly, grabbing hold of Asuka's arm to stop her.

Asuka is completely shocked when she sees me do it though I am even more shocked by the action, having occurred despite my own will. I stare at my hand on Asuka's arm and then back at her face which is turning red with rage. I pull my hand away like it has been burned, my hands going up defensively in an instant.

"Asuka...I'm sorry...I didn't mean..." Slap! My head turns with the contact, a familiar sting that I've grown accustomed to.

"Don't ever touch me you baka!"

"I'm sorry Asuka...I really am..." My voice is meek sounding, it taking on its normal tone when bowing down to Asuka, though a voice in my head was telling me I had done the right thing. Just as he didn't have the right to touch Asuka, Asuka definitely did not have the right to touch Rei.

"Damn right your sorry. If you ever touch me again, I swear I will grab hold of you with my Eva and squeeze so hard your damn head pops off!" My body goes cold at her words, a strange, undeniable pain in my heart that I don't understand at all. I barely am able to notice Asuka pacing back and forth seething uncontrollable, Hikari trying to calm her down while Toji and Kensuke are slowing retreating behind me to avoid any physical harm. The pain is rising more within me, and I feel like I just want to cry, and it is at this moment, a small, delicate hand snakes into my own, giving it the tiniest of squeezes. My eyes meet crimson as my lips quiver slightly, my ears no longer hearing Asuka's loud yelling, but instead only hearing a soft Thank You that seems to make all the difference.

I can't help but smile at Rei, saying more than two words with her eyes, and the pain resides within. I go to say something when all sound is cut off by a blaring, high pitched, and very ominous alarm cutting through everything. The Twelve angel had appeared.


End file.
